After a string of three blogs in a couple of weeks, it’s now been approximately fifteen years since my last entry. I knew it would happen, you knew it would happen, we all bloody well knew it would happen; I ran out of steam pathetically, devastatingly early. But much like Jesus Christ himself I’ve decided fuck it, it’s time to return and give it another crack of the whip. It's officially Easter come early.

I’m like those people who make New Year’s resolutions every single January. “I’m going to jog three nights a week for the whole of 2014”, “i’m going to stop smoking”, “i’m going to lose 10 pounds before the summer holidays”. It’s a lovely thought, but you’ll come home from work and say bollocks to running, i’m sitting in and watching Eastenders. You’ll quit smoking for two weeks before reverting back to your chimney like state in time for February and, let’s face it, the only ten pounds you’re gunna lose will be the tenner you hand over to McDonald’s for two big Mac meals and a double cheeseburger (prices are approximate).

Yes, it’s not just me guilty of starting something and then losing all motivation before too long, so balls to you all.

It’s one of life’s crucial lessons; try and keep your cards a bit closer to your chest. Go in wearing nothing but your Y Fronts declaring yourself at War with the world will make you look a bit of a twat when you end up failing to conquer anything further East than Reading. And who the fuck wants to conquer Reading anyway? It’s a terrible, terrible place. Compare yourself to someone like Jesus Christ himself and you will be made to look foolish when all you’re doing is writing a shit blog that nobody’s reading any more. No one gives a fuck that you’re going to attempt to exercise more often, but they will be impressed when you’re actually out doing it.

Wouldn’t it be better to spring it in to conversation a year down the line just how far you’ve come? “How’s everything going then Dave?”, “Yeh pretty standard, haven’t had a fag for a year and a half now”. Out of the blue, tell them how much weight you’ve lost. “Nice one Dave, you’re looking a bit slim as well?” “Funny you should say that mate, I bought myself a pair of skinny jeans the other day for the first time since I was eleven.” Just fucking throw it at them what an athlete you’ve become since you started going for a run on the sly. “Fucking hell Dave, you’re doing alright nowadays aren’t you? Tell me, have you been exercising as well?” “Yes mate, I've just come back from Sochi, I won Gold as captain of the bobsleigh team.” Do bobsleigh teams have captains? Either way, your mate’s not gunna know, and by jove you’ll knock him bloody bandy.

So where does this leave me and my blog, other than at the very bottom of society for me, and at the very bottom of the most read list for the blog? The answer is that even God doesn’t know. Jesus Christ, on the other hand, just may. And I’ve got a funny feeling the next instalment won’t be too far away...but i’m not making any promises.